Call it self-absorbed, I'll take it. I have spent the majority of my life using my body to appease others. Whether it was sacrificing my labourous arms to my mother, tend to her kids, pick her up from her exhausted days, carry the whole of my family on my back despite how small I had actually been. Fell into the arms of men, wanted to be cradled and getting that comfort, if I just let them caress my boob, slip their hands in between my legs, let them press into my body, mistake the carniverous act of thrusting as a sanctuary for tender love. Hunching my shoulders, feeling like I wasn't deserving of space. When the feelings got too large, cutting into the tenderness of my arms to rid myself of being aware that I hated my life. Numb my body, Grit my body. Force my body to keep on going for the sake of others.
So, I'll take the title. If it means these days sex has become a source of pleasure and no longer a place I have run too to feel loved. If it means these days I am labelled cocky by my own mother for showing rhe world that I own my pussy, my bush, my long legs in mini skirts, my boobs in a low top. All out for the world to see, but mine at the end of the day. If it means that I look at who I am in the mirror and decide I don't want to be in demand anymore, and I say no. To the simplest of things, and rage fills my mothers eyes, even if it means I have to avert my eyes to save myself the grace of looking like a coward as my voice remains as composed as I can, I no longer am at her command anymore.
I used to shoot in my room, made small to the world and dirty to my inner thoughts because I never felt like this was my body. Not one to work with, do as I please, masturbate as I please, shame filled my every bones and flesh until I decided I couldn't live like this anymore.
I am alive everyday because of my body.
I want to be alive in this body.
I want to take charge of my body.
And in every shoot, I get to honour every movement, every limb placement, every inch of my body that I get to create out of love for me.
